Showing posts with label learning about myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning about myself. Show all posts

Friday, February 4, 2011

I'm getting closer.


The bed is made, I’m up and dressed.  Well mostly anyway, have thick socks on instead of shoes and since I’m not the fly lady, my hair only got a quick comb and clipped back out of my eyes, plus no make up.  That’s okay though because it seems today is a snow day.  Yep, we have a beautiful layer of snow coating the ground so I’m not going to work.

I am going to make this snow day a productive day.  Instead of napping the morning away and lazing around I am going to use it doing stuff that I really need to do.

1.  Finish the task of the cleaning and organizing the hallway closet.

2.  Tackle the kitchen bar area and catch up on washing dishes.  I’ll also need to clean off the kitchen cabinets as much as I can.  Both these areas are still holding some of the breakable items that came out of other rooms from when they were pulling the floor up.  Some of them are also items from my grandma’s house, so I’ve been trying to keep them safe until I can get the little curio cabinet gets moved in.  I’ll need to sort through some of this, and see which items of mine I am willing to let go of.

3.  Deal with the I don’t know boxes from last night. 

4.  Put my bathroom back together, at least for now.  I haven’t made the decision on the cabinet I want to go in there, so until I do I am just going to put it back together as was.  This will get the stuff out of my living room, and will allow me to find things more easily while I figure things out. 

I think that is enough to get my day started, and if I keeping moving forward through out the day, should all be easily accomplished.  I’m off to crank up some music, find breakfast then get going!


You know when you are coming home from a long trip, you’ve been in the car forever and that one thought keeps flowing through you mind.  Are we there yet?  You know the feeling you get when you see that first mileage sign that your city appears on?  That feeling of we are almost there.  Yes, of course you are still a hundred or more miles away from home, but you know the end is in sight and that you are indeed heading the right direction.

That’s how I am feeling tonight.  I know I’m not done.  I still have a lot of work to do, just to get to a point where I can switch over from cleaning out and organizing to maintaining the order.  Again I’m not there, yet.  But I’m closer.  When I looked around my house tonight, I for once, felt like the end was near, that I was almost there. 

I’m hoping these feelings mean that I am adjusting the thoughts in my head.  I said last night that cleaning had always felt like moving things from one place to another then to another.  You’d clean off the coffee table, and sure you’d throw away the trash that always seemed to pile up on it.  But then you’d be left with all these random things that you ended up tossing in a box, because if they had a place they belonged you hadn’t figured it out yet.  Okay, so I am guessing with the average, dare I say normal, person would probably be shaking there head and saying no I don’t.  But I do.  Because when I didn’t know what to do with something, I’d throw it in a plastic container.  And that container would work its way from the living room to the kitchen, and then get shoved somewhere else.

If I actually got the house completely cleaned up, and yes there were many times I would do it, all the random boxes of things would end up shoved in to the ‘cake room’ which could also double as the all purpose I don’t know what the hell to do with it, dumping ground.  And that door would be closed.  Because isn’t that how you clean house?  As long as the surface areas looked good, and no one opened your bedroom or closet doors or the ‘all purpose dumping ground’ area, the house looked clean? 

Before long though, the coffee table would be covered and I’d put off cleaning it off.  Or I’d get it in my head I was going to start organizing this or that, usually the ‘all purpose dumping ground,’ and get started on it, only to get distracted and everything would lay where it was.

Then there’d be so much stuff to deal with it was easier just not to deal with any of it.  Much like when you were a kid and you were told to clean your room.  You’d stand in the door way and stare inside, because while you knew the goal you just didn’t know exactly what steps to take first to get there, because at that moment it all just seemed impossible.

I’m learning now, through this process, that cleaning shouldn’t be about shoving everything into a container and not dealing with it.  I’m sure a therapist would have a field day with that statement, and I’m sure it says more about me than I even want to think about at this point.

What I am focusing on is that I am learning.  I’m learning that cleaning should be just about dusting, sweeping, and vacuuming.  You know the little things that really honestly don’t take a whole lot of time to do, but when you have to dig all of the furniture out from under piles of stuff, ‘cleaning’ takes on a whole different meaning.  Cleaning meant you spent a full day in a room, getting it all in order only to look at the next room and realize it would take just as long to do the same thing.  And when you got done, you had a pile of stuff you didn’t know what to do with.

I’m working on that too.  I’m working on all those piles of things.

I told someone today, I’m a work in progress but at least I am making progress.  I realize that I will at some point have to come back and go through things again and let go of more stuff.  I’m okay with that.  Maybe when that time comes I’ll see that I haven’t used something and be able to trim things down even further with out all the thoughts in my head.  Right now I’m doing baby steps.  Because I am afraid if I try to do way to much all at once, I will get completely, totally overwhelmed and quit.  I have before.

As I am going through the things I’m having some new conversations with myself.  Once you have every bottle of lotion you have in the house all in once place at the same time, you see just how much of it you have.  This process is reminding me of something I’ve already known, which is that I need to curb my spending.  I do feel though, that the visuals are adding impact to the thoughts I have already had.  I have always known I have too much stuff surrounding me.  But seeing it sitting there in front of you and really dealing with it, adds a whole new level to it.

I did go ahead and throw out some lotions, body washes and body sprays.  Okay honestly, I put them in the garage sale pile.  While I do realize that is crazy, I just had trouble throwing away some almost full bottles of stuff.  Part of it is the money spent, but the other part is the ‘it’s still good, it can still be used’ thoughts.  I knew though, that I just didn’t have room for it, and even if it gets thrown away before the garage sale, it is now currently out of my house, or will be as soon as I brave the cold and move it to the store building. 

No matter if something ends up in the trash or in the garage sale pile, the important fact is that it wasn’t shoved somewhere in my house, taking up space.

I feel I can call today a success.  I have a few more little things to do, before I could honestly completely cross all the items off my earlier list, but I completed the majority of the main elements. 

To me that is a success.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I have issues!

I really planned to have my first post here be something of an introduction about why I decided to start this blog and blah, blah, blah.  But at this very moment, I really need to just use the blog for why I created it, rather than explain it all out.  Those that know me know enough about me to get it.  If you don’t know me and stumbled your way on to my blog, well I’ll get back to the intro in the near future, for now let me just say…

Hello, I’m TexasSugar.  And I have issues!  Lots and lots of issues.  Issues that are driving me batty, bonkers and tonight, close to bawling.  That last can easily be explained as I’m an emotional woman on the edge, at the moment atleast.

My current issue is this: I am a pack rat.  I get that I am.  I can easily rationalize laying the blame on others, such as my mother and her mother for being the same way.  But that doesn’t change anything.  It’s a mental thing. I get that too. 

I know the first suggest from people that aren’t clutter bugs would be, “Oh go watch an episode of Hoarders, that’ll make you want to clean out your house.”  What they don’t understand is that while I’m no where near hoarder status, I can relate to some of the mild cases of hoardering.  I’m not talking about those that have rotten food under layers of trash that they walk all over.  I’m talking about those more average people that just hold on to things. 

You know those things that you may have a use for one day. 

Things that they thought were super cute when they bought it, but really don’t have a use for it. 

Things that they paid a lot or a little for that you don’t want to throw away because, ‘hello, I paid for that.’ 

Things that so and so gave them, and you just don’t know what to do with it now, because if you get rid of it, it might hurt their feelings. 

Yeah, those kinds of things.

I’m learning that there is a lot more to decluttering than just the actual act of throwing things away, or putting them in a 'to give away/garage sale pile'.  There is a whole mental part, those little conversations you have in your head, the picking something up, thinking that you don’t really need it, then putting it in the deal with later pile. 

Why? 

Well because you don’t know how to deal with it and those stupid thoughts in your head.  You know that you’ll probably never use it, but that little what if voice comes out and makes you take a second look, second thought, and you put it away to deal with it later.  The problem comes when you start getting down to those ‘I’ll deal with you later piles and boxes,’ because then you have to, well, deal with them. 

I’d honestly thought it would get easier.  I’ve read people say that once they got started cleaning out areas in their house they just wanted to keep going and going.  For me, this week, I’m hitting a road block.  It is a self imposed road block, all in my head, I’m sure.  And it is PISSING ME OFF!!

I really do want a clean house.  I’d love to be able to walk into a room and find something right away.  I’d love to be able to walk in a room and not have the overwhelming urge to turn and walk out, or even better yet, to just leave the house all together. 

I’m also tired of family telling me the obvious.  Yes, I realize I have a full house and yes I realize that I live alone.  I also realize that other family member’s unwanted processions have a way of taking up space in my house.  This year I am simply tell them, “No I don’t need that.”  I shouldn’t matter if I don’t already have one and that it is free.  That should be a tip off to me, if I don’t have one I probably don’t need it, right?  And if I do, well then I can just go out and buy a new one when I do need it, right?  That fixes one problem, other people’s unneeded stuff entering my house.

It doesn’t fix the current issues of going through the items in my house and dealing with them.  It is the dealing with it that I am not doing so well with.  I have spurts, like earlier when I peaked in a box, closed it up and stuck in the ‘go through later pile’, because I didn’t know what else to do with it.  I did return a few minutes later, opened the two boxes up and had one of those internal, and maybe not so internal, dialogues with myself. 

The conversation pretty much went like this:
Well who can’t use candles right?  I’ll just pull these out and save. 
Do I really need the ones that have already been burned some?
I’ll just keep the new ones. Hmm, do these candles even really smell any more?   
Maybe I don’t really need them after all.  I mean I don’t burn that many candles because of the cat and I already have a couple of other boxes with newer, never been used candles, that I still need to go through. 
Am I really going to miss some candles that have been in boxes in the linen clothes for a good, oh, four to five years?

So little jar candles go.  Next up, candle holders…

I think I had these two hanging in the living room, for maybe a few months after I moved in, and they have been boxed up since.
And these here and here and here?  They moved in with me, six years ago, and the only time I’ve probably seen them was when I cleaned out the linen closet at least a year ago, and got rid of some other candles and candle holders, but decided to keep these for some unknown reason.
Okay seriously now, if they have never sat anywhere in my house but in a closet why am I keeping them?

See, what I mean about the issues?  It wasn’t like this was a five second conversation either.  It probably took me at least five minutes to come to the conclusion that I didn’t really need the items in the box.  Before I really opened the boxes I wouldn’t have been able to tell you exactly what was in them.  And yet I had to really talk myself into putting them in the garage sale pile.

It is items like those and others, that tend to give me issues.  You know perfectly good, can be used, that I paid good money for items, that I have to have a conversation with myself on why I should let go of them.

I’ll be honest and say that I did rescue five brass candle sticks from the boxes.  These were bought cheap, for a specific purpose, and used for that purpose.  I’m not a big fan of brass, but when I saw them in the box I thought, okay maybe I can paint those and use them in my ‘new’ bedroom.  So I’m keeping them with the idea of repurposing them.  If I don’t, they can in a future box of ‘garage sale’ stuff, because don’t we all have one of those laying around, for that garage sale, you know you will have one day? 

Oh, what, you don’t do that?  Hmm, well another one of those things I get from my mother.  You probably don’t have a junk room either, huh?

***** ***** *****

This was all written last night, when I was in the midst of being totally frustrated and annoyed, mostly with myself, and honestly close to tears.  There was more typed out where I rambled on and on, so I’ve decided to cut that part out for now. 

I did realize a few things as I was typing though.  I realized that there may be a part of me that is stalling cleaning out the dining room, because once it is complete, once the room is painted, the furniture will go in there.  And when that happens, I will have to deal with all the emotions that I am sure will be on the surface when I see my grandma’s dining room furniture in my house. 

I know that I’ll have to deal with it, just like I will have to deal with all the things that are currently surrounding me.  When you just look around you and cringe, you know it is time to do something about it.

I am happy to say after this was written and my head was clearer I went to tackle some more of the dining room area.  I didn’t finish, but I got father along than I was.  I am trying to remember that, even though having to deal with all of this is stressing me out now, the after math will be so worth it.  It will feel good to walk through my house and know where things are, and not to just see things piled up everywhere driving me crazy.

My introduction would have had a note included about how I am a very long winded.  I have always been, and probably will always be, no matter how hard I try to edit myself, I just can’t seem to shorten what I have to say.  Since this blog is mostly for me to ‘talk out’ my thoughts, I’m not going to worry so much about it. I am who I am, and that is a part of me.