I have issues!

I really planned to have my first post here be something of an introduction about why I decided to start this blog and blah, blah, blah.  But at this very moment, I really need to just use the blog for why I created it, rather than explain it all out.  Those that know me know enough about me to get it.  If you don’t know me and stumbled your way on to my blog, well I’ll get back to the intro in the near future, for now let me just say…

Hello, I’m TexasSugar.  And I have issues!  Lots and lots of issues.  Issues that are driving me batty, bonkers and tonight, close to bawling.  That last can easily be explained as I’m an emotional woman on the edge, at the moment atleast.

My current issue is this: I am a pack rat.  I get that I am.  I can easily rationalize laying the blame on others, such as my mother and her mother for being the same way.  But that doesn’t change anything.  It’s a mental thing. I get that too. 

I know the first suggest from people that aren’t clutter bugs would be, “Oh go watch an episode of Hoarders, that’ll make you want to clean out your house.”  What they don’t understand is that while I’m no where near hoarder status, I can relate to some of the mild cases of hoardering.  I’m not talking about those that have rotten food under layers of trash that they walk all over.  I’m talking about those more average people that just hold on to things. 

You know those things that you may have a use for one day. 

Things that they thought were super cute when they bought it, but really don’t have a use for it. 

Things that they paid a lot or a little for that you don’t want to throw away because, ‘hello, I paid for that.’ 

Things that so and so gave them, and you just don’t know what to do with it now, because if you get rid of it, it might hurt their feelings. 

Yeah, those kinds of things.

I’m learning that there is a lot more to decluttering than just the actual act of throwing things away, or putting them in a 'to give away/garage sale pile'.  There is a whole mental part, those little conversations you have in your head, the picking something up, thinking that you don’t really need it, then putting it in the deal with later pile. 

Why? 

Well because you don’t know how to deal with it and those stupid thoughts in your head.  You know that you’ll probably never use it, but that little what if voice comes out and makes you take a second look, second thought, and you put it away to deal with it later.  The problem comes when you start getting down to those ‘I’ll deal with you later piles and boxes,’ because then you have to, well, deal with them. 

I’d honestly thought it would get easier.  I’ve read people say that once they got started cleaning out areas in their house they just wanted to keep going and going.  For me, this week, I’m hitting a road block.  It is a self imposed road block, all in my head, I’m sure.  And it is PISSING ME OFF!!

I really do want a clean house.  I’d love to be able to walk into a room and find something right away.  I’d love to be able to walk in a room and not have the overwhelming urge to turn and walk out, or even better yet, to just leave the house all together. 

I’m also tired of family telling me the obvious.  Yes, I realize I have a full house and yes I realize that I live alone.  I also realize that other family member’s unwanted processions have a way of taking up space in my house.  This year I am simply tell them, “No I don’t need that.”  I shouldn’t matter if I don’t already have one and that it is free.  That should be a tip off to me, if I don’t have one I probably don’t need it, right?  And if I do, well then I can just go out and buy a new one when I do need it, right?  That fixes one problem, other people’s unneeded stuff entering my house.

It doesn’t fix the current issues of going through the items in my house and dealing with them.  It is the dealing with it that I am not doing so well with.  I have spurts, like earlier when I peaked in a box, closed it up and stuck in the ‘go through later pile’, because I didn’t know what else to do with it.  I did return a few minutes later, opened the two boxes up and had one of those internal, and maybe not so internal, dialogues with myself. 

The conversation pretty much went like this:

Well who can’t use candles right?  I’ll just pull these out and save. 

Do I really need the ones that have already been burned some?

I’ll just keep the new ones. Hmm, do these candles even really smell any more?   

Maybe I don’t really need them after all.  I mean I don’t burn that many candles because of the cat and I already have a couple of other boxes with newer, never been used candles, that I still need to go through. 

Am I really going to miss some candles that have been in boxes in the linen clothes for a good, oh, four to five years?

So little jar candles go.  Next up, candle holders…

I think I had these two hanging in the living room, for maybe a few months after I moved in, and they have been boxed up since.

And these here and here and here?  They moved in with me, six years ago, and the only time I’ve probably seen them was when I cleaned out the linen closet at least a year ago, and got rid of some other candles and candle holders, but decided to keep these for some unknown reason.

Okay seriously now, if they have never sat anywhere in my house but in a closet why am I keeping them?

See, what I mean about the issues?  It wasn’t like this was a five second conversation either.  It probably took me at least five minutes to come to the conclusion that I didn’t really need the items in the box.  Before I really opened the boxes I wouldn’t have been able to tell you exactly what was in them.  And yet I had to really talk myself into putting them in the garage sale pile.

It is items like those and others, that tend to give me issues.  You know perfectly good, can be used, that I paid good money for items, that I have to have a conversation with myself on why I should let go of them.

I’ll be honest and say that I did rescue five brass candle sticks from the boxes.  These were bought cheap, for a specific purpose, and used for that purpose.  I’m not a big fan of brass, but when I saw them in the box I thought, okay maybe I can paint those and use them in my ‘new’ bedroom.  So I’m keeping them with the idea of repurposing them.  If I don’t, they can in a future box of ‘garage sale’ stuff, because don’t we all have one of those laying around, for that garage sale, you know you will have one day? 

Oh, what, you don’t do that?  Hmm, well another one of those things I get from my mother.  You probably don’t have a junk room either, huh?

***** ***** *****

This was all written last night, when I was in the midst of being totally frustrated and annoyed, mostly with myself, and honestly close to tears.  There was more typed out where I rambled on and on, so I’ve decided to cut that part out for now. 

I did realize a few things as I was typing though.  I realized that there may be a part of me that is stalling cleaning out the dining room, because once it is complete, once the room is painted, the furniture will go in there.  And when that happens, I will have to deal with all the emotions that I am sure will be on the surface when I see my grandma’s dining room furniture in my house. 

I know that I’ll have to deal with it, just like I will have to deal with all the things that are currently surrounding me.  When you just look around you and cringe, you know it is time to do something about it.

I am happy to say after this was written and my head was clearer I went to tackle some more of the dining room area.  I didn’t finish, but I got father along than I was.  I am trying to remember that, even though having to deal with all of this is stressing me out now, the after math will be so worth it.  It will feel good to walk through my house and know where things are, and not to just see things piled up everywhere driving me crazy.

My introduction would have had a note included about how I am a very long winded.  I have always been, and probably will always be, no matter how hard I try to edit myself, I just can’t seem to shorten what I have to say.  Since this blog is mostly for me to ‘talk out’ my thoughts, I’m not going to worry so much about it. I am who I am, and that is a part of me.